Are you ok with who you are today? Right now? I ask myself this question every day.
Yes, every day.
I often feel empty and I have to really ask myself if I'm ok. I have felt something missing for the last 15 years and trying to find the words to share it really has been difficult.
You see, everyone sees me as someone who's strong, together, positive, always smiling.
This is pretty much true but deep inside me, I feel empty.
I have to make a real effort:
"How can I help you today Julia? What is it you need? What can I do?"
So let me do my best to try and explain this empty feeling.
When I was a young woman of 20 I became very ill, really debilitated with M.E. (myalgic encephaloymelitis). I was chronically fatigued and very ill for 9 years in total. It was a gradual progression to heal - about 6 years - to find my way back to health.
I made discoveries, I turned corners and faced brick walls, and I found complementary methods to heal.
During this time, as I was beginning to find wellness again, I married a man I had met through my illness, whom I adored. I wanted a long and happy life with him, babies, furry family, love and laughter.
That was not to be. I had married a man unable to be close, intimate, or sexual.
I felt unworthy, unloved and unsexy.
After 6 years married and 9 years together, I chose to leave at the age of 34 and took a risk, a big leap into the unknown.
I found myself again. It was tough, but I did it. Again, I healed myself.
Fast forward 4 more years, aged 37 I was blessed to meet my cornish earth warrior, who later became my husband, I discovered that babies were not going to be on the horizon. We tried, we had some intervention but it just hasn't happened.
So here I am, now nearly 45, living my life without children, without the family picture I thought would be. Every day I feel empty, like something is missing.
Every day I seek something out to fill the gap.
Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
Something that can help me fill the inner void.
I never thought my life would be without family around me. I always thought I would have my children with me.
This isn't about what I can do about this - it's about the feeling inside. I know the strategies and the where's and whynots.
We have thought of adoption (I'm adopted and know the beauty of this love and am so blessed and fortunate to have a loving family.)
I take each day, one at a time and work out how I can move through this. Moving through this life without being a mother of humans (ok I know I'm a cat mama and soon to be dog mama again).
I am trying to feel sensual and sexual, when there's an empty feeling inside of me.
I am healing, again - the soreness of this pain, every day. Using creative art and Reiki healing to fill the gap.
Every day is a reminder and sometimes I retreat.
Somedays I feel motherly - when I'm with my furry girl(s)
Somedays I feel feminine - when I put on clothes that carress me
Somedays I feel inspired - when I birth a new drawing
Somedays I feel peaceful - when I truly accept that it just is
Somedays I feel divine - when I believe I am a whole woman
Somedays I feel heard - when someone really hears me.
I am feeling more and more that I have to accept this - who I am right now.
Instead of always wanting to be... wanting to be ... wanting to be .... a mother
My art saves me, heals me and helps me to connect with other women and families. To give me a sense of joy.
It makes me look at myself as a Woman first and accept who I am. (I told you this was big stuff)
Over the years people have said to me "Oh I didn't think you wanted children?"
Over the years people just never ask.
Hearing mother, calling
Whispering my name.
She beckons me.
I look inside, only to find
It is is me, calling my own name.
The woman, who needs to hear,
The sound of her own children
Laughing, joyful, messing
The woman, who knows, that
Children from the belly
The woman, who desperately wants
To cease berating herself
Because of it.
Many see her as self contained
Ok, happy, content
Depending on the day
Here I sit, knowing
I have no place to go
Except sit here, with me
Being OK with Who I am Today.
* * * *
The process of loving ourselves right in this moment can be tough.
Yet it's the first step in healing.
We need a whole toolkit to help us through the day. I have spent the last 25 years gathering my toolkit supplies and I probably will continue to do so for the next 25.
Somedays, I forget to use these supplies in my kit bag. I need a reminder.
Let me know, what do you often forget, why not share in the comments below.
keep updated with dolly Art weekly, every wednesday.
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